I published some reflections on the policy change and the anniversary of my coming out on Facebook. I've decided to repost them here.
A
year ago yesterday was the policy change, which many are calling the
Policy of Exclusion. As I watched the controversy unfold over Facebook, I
saw many good people, who I care about, say things about LGBT members
that I knew they would never say to the face of someone they cared for. I
saw many members claim that the policy was fine, because "those LGBT
people" didn't want to be a part of the Church anyways, and this policy
would make clear to the righteous that they weren't to be led astray by
the rebellions of "those people."
And so a year ago today, I came
out of the closet as bisexual. I had many reasons for doing this, but a
major one was to show people that LGBT people are not this nameless,
faceless, vaguely threatening group of "those people." We are people you
know and love. We are in your wards. We hear what you say and write
about us. And for those of us who have been born in the Church, many of
us want very badly to be a part of it.
I have been fortunate, in
that I was never forced to choose between having a family of my own and
being in good standing with the Church. For the vast majority of LGBT
members, an opposite-gender partner is not a viable option. I have tried
to think of what it would have been like for me if I were forced to
choose between my family and the Church. From the moment I met Mason, I
knew how much happiness he would bring me. Would I have been able to
glimpse that happiness, and turn away from it in favor of fifty years of
celibacy? Would I have been able to deny myself a family while
attending church week after week, a Church that constantly teaches that
true happiness can only be found in families? I honestly don't know if I
could.
I don't write this to try to convince anyone to change
their mind about Church doctrine or even the policy. I write this to ask
straight members to have empathy for the incredibly difficult sacrifice
that the Church asks of its LGBT members. It is not the same as being
as single straight member. Single straight members are encouraged to
date. They are encouraged to pursue people who interest them. They are
encouraged to hope for marriage. LGBT members are asked to suppress
their feelings and wait until the next life to somehow figure this out.
It is not the same. It is isolating and lonely and difficult.
Because of this, it is no surprise to me that some LGBT members
eventually choose to pursue same-sex relationships in some capacity or
another. This does not mean they don't want to be a part of the Church;
indeed, many of them continue to try to continue to make our religion a
part of their lives. And that's part of why this policy hurt - many felt
like the Church was saying, "We don't want your efforts to continue to
be involved in some way. You can stay and be lonely, or you can leave
entirely."
I have seen many straight members claim that if LGBT
members feel unwelcome, all they have to do is keep the commandments and
they will feel welcome. This is an easy way to absolve the Church and
its members from the hurt that LGBT members feel. It is comfortable to
feel that you are not complicit in anyone's pain. It is comfortable to
feel that there is an easy solution to pain.
I have two things to
say to that. The first is that as a commandment-keeping, temple-married
LGBT member, who doesn't even have to deal with the loneliness that
most LGBT members experience, I can tell you that that isn't true.
Simply keeping the commandments does not suddenly make the Church a
welcoming place. There are plenty of things that have been done and
said, from comments made in Sunday School all the way up to things said
in General Conference, that have made LGBT members feel unwelcome,
regardless of the status of their temple recommend. I am not referring
to simple teachings of true doctrine. I am referring to hurtful things
that have no place in the Gospel of Christ and no need to be said, ever,
by anyone. And I am referring to the silence that implies agreement in
the wake of those comments, the silence that says that we are not
important enough to stand up for.
The second thing I have to say
is, if possible, more important, and it is that as members of a Church
that bears the name of Christ, we have the responsibility to do all we
can to make sure that everyone feels the love of Christ through us,
regardless of the commandments they are or are not keeping. Christ ate
with publicans and sinners; He didn't do as the Pharisees did and wait
for people to attain a certain standard of "worthiness" and then come to
Him on their own. While teaching the Nephites after his resurrection,
Christ taught:
"And behold, ye shall meet together oft; and ye
shall not forbid any man from coming unto you when ye shall meet
together, but suffer them that they may come unto you and forbid them
not;
But ye shall pray for them, and shall not cast them out; and
if it so be that they come unto you oft ye shall pray for them unto the
Father, in my name.
Therefore, hold up your light that it may
shine unto the world. Behold I am the light which ye shall hold up -
that which ye have seen me do. [...]
And ye see that I have
commanded that none of you should go away, but rather have commanded
that ye should come unto me, that ye might feel and see; even so shall
ye do unto the world; and whoseoever breaketh this commandment suffereth
himself to be led into temptation. [...]
Nevertheless, ye shall
not cast [people not keeping the commandments] out from among you, but
ye shall minster unto him and shall pray for him unto the Father, in my
name [...] ye shall not cast him out of your synagogues, or your places
of worship, for unto such shall ye continue to minister; for ye know not
but what they will return and repent, and come unto me with full
purpose of heart, and I shall heal them." (3 Nephi 18)
The Savior
makes it clear that it is not enough to simply passively say "Well,
everyone is welcome at church if they really want to be there." We are
supposed to *minister* to people. We are supposed to *actively work* to
welcome them, just as He actively left the ninety and nine and sought
after the one.
As a missionary, I brought all sorts of people to
church and saw members make an effort to welcome them. People with
prison tattoos. People reeking of cigarette smoke. People who were
clearly not living the gospel. And I saw members go out of their way to
make them feel loved and welcome. I saw members fellowship the same
investigators for years, making them feel welcome and not judged while
they explored the often complicated path of reconciling their life with
the Church.
So don't tell yourself that LGBT people will feel
welcome if they'd just keep the commandments, because there's no reason
that they should be the exception to the fellowship that exists in
Christ and has the potential to exist in each one of us. I have seen it
in action. It is wonderful. It is healing. And every one of us LGBT
members, whether we are keeping the commandments or not, needs that
healing, because there has been so. much. hurt.
At minimum, I beg
of you all to be very careful to not add to the burden that LGBT
members carry, regardless of their activity level. But we are not a
church that asks for the minimum. Don't settle for not adding to our
burden. Please, help to bear it. Don't tell us that we're not doing
enough to bear it on our own; all too often, those who are perceived of
not doing enough have simply collapsed under the weight of it. Don't
wait for us to come to you. Come to us, seek after us, welcome us, lift
our burden upon your back, and help us return joyfully together to the
peace of Christ's fold.
